To all the non-parents out there, here are a few things you’re going to tell yourself now or when you find yourself already pregnant. You won’t be like “other mom’s”. You’re going to basically lie to yourself. I’m not trying to be harsh, merely honest.

Below are some lies I told myself when I was pregnant with Lil’ Jams. These have been hilariously funny between my friends and me, especially since, thanks to Facebook’s ‘On This Day’ feature, I’m reminded of some of them yearly!

1. My child won’t have tantrums in public. Hahahahahaha! Let all the parents take a moment to laugh this one off. You would like to believe that you won’t allow it but the reality is that, kids do whatever the freak they want to, where they want to, when they want to. If they’re going to, quite literally, lay on the floor having a tantrum because they want something they can’t have, just let it happen. Walk away, ignore or scoop them up and shove ‘em in the trolley and carry on regardless. Talking them through it is not going to work. They are too far gone. They’re in the thick of it. Talking through your teeth (which you’ll try first no matter if you know it won’t work), threats and bribes won’t work as they will be so loud they cannot hear you. You’ll just start to sweat, look around and as people give you THE eye half laugh with a ‘ha. Kids. Am I right?’ or a ‘who left their screaming kid in aisle 4?’

2. My child will always sleep in their own room. Here’s a nugget of truth no one tells you, or you don’t think about, but no kid is the same. 90% of my friends’ kids slept through the night from 4/6 months old. Neither of mine did. Lil Jams’ slept, through the entire night, for the first time 1 week before DJ C was born. DJ C still does not sleep through the night and he is nearly 2. So, for the sake of my own sanity, my marriage and people I have to deal with daily, I sleep with the kids’ room or a kid sleeps in our bed. This is literally for sleeps sake. I want it. This is how I get it. If you would like to judge or say something or give me some helpful ‘tip’, feel free to stay at my house for a month and you can deal with him and/or them at 2AM. Let’s see if your tricks and witchcraft works. Because mine clearly doesn’t.

3. My child will only eat healthy food and learn to love vegetables as I do. This is, again, not every parent’s experience. This is my experience; however I know I’m not alone. When Lil’ Jams was small, I made, with my own two hands, puree’s from various fruits and vegetables. He loved them! Spinach, butternut, carrot, peas. All of them, except sweet potato. He is now 4 and the only time he eats a veggie is at school. I suspect because all the other kids eat it. He TELLS me that he LOVES carrots but they HAVE to be the round crinkle cut ones. He lies. He TELLS me that he LOVES pumpkin but it has to be like mashed potato. He lies. He at least loves apples and bananas but that’s as far as his fruit loving fancy goes. DJ C isn’t a fan of veggies but loves apples and bananas too. He is also not a fan of anything that’s too sweet. But, if your kid is like mine, you will find yourself making Future Life (the chocolate one) for them for dinner, grateful that it’s filled with so many proteins and vitamins and minerals (and sugar… what can you do?). You convince yourself that it’s okay that it’s ‘chocolate’ because at least they’re eating SOMETHING. Lil’s Jams is now old enough to understand that if he doesn’t eat what is given to him, he gets nothing else. But I still naively worry about DJ C.

4. My life won’t stop because I have kids. LOL! Ok, my life hasn’t ‘stopped’ but we don’t go out for dinner as much. We don’t go to the movies at night. In actual fact, we rarely leave the house after 5PM. If one of the kids merely yawns or rubs their eyes, I’m ready to go home STAT! The worst thing in the world is when they fall asleep in the car, on the way home. Why you may ask? Because they’re not sleeping… they’re recharging. They WILL wake up when you try and move them to the house and to their bed. If they wake up now they WILL NOT sleep… ever… again… for that day. Sleep begets sleep. But power naps do not work that way!

5. I will be crafty and do all these cool arts and crafts project WITH my kids because I’m so cool. Another one that doesn’t refer to all parents, but if you’re like me, you have zero patience. You like to lie to yourself and believe that you’ll be different with your kids and are super patient but you’re wrong. You will start off strong but end up with glue, finger paint and craft herpes (aka glitter) everywhere while crying and cleaning. I often ‘bake’ with Lil’s Jams but it’s more that he ‘helps’ me put all the ingredients into the bowl but when the mixing starts he’s gone, only to return in time to lick the bowl. This works for us. For now. But I once bought a hand puppet kit. You basically make your own hand puppets from really poor quality socks that are supplied. This ended tragically. I’m serious. I think I burned the box with all the contents in them. He was screaming, I was screaming, the neighbours were dialing the police (I suspect). There were tears. So many, many tears!

There are a few things I got right. A few wins. But at the end of the day, kids are super unpredictable. There is no way you can guarantee what they’ll do, how they’ll act or what their temperament will be. You just gotta roll with it. They grow, you grow.

Time to get honest. I wouldn’t say that I have a ‘hoarding’ problem per se but I definitely struggle to say “Hell no!” when people try to give me their shit, that they themselves are struggling to get rid of. Let’s hit you with a for instance.

There were these people that lived in our complex. They had this huge bulky, plastic, clearly over-used slide. It was only slightly broken and all I needed to do was buy 2 bolts and nuts to fix it. Grandmaster D was sleeping. If he were awake he would have quickly chimed in with a “Thanks but no thanks”, however, there I was. Alone. With this slide standing, in parts, in front of me… and the kids. How? How do I say no? Lil Jams and DJ C are right there! They’re already trying to climb on it. So, much to Grandmaster D’s dismay, I took it. Drove to Builders. Got the bolts and put that bitch together. Hours of fun! It gave them hours of fun and pleasure. But… it didn’t quite fit in anywhere… Our garden is small and there is already a braai, a table, a bicycle, 2 plastic motorbikes, 2 adults, 2 kids and 2 dogs that try and collectively get some space there. This freaking slide was ALWAYS in the way. We’d have to keep moving it around and the grass was dying because the bulky plastic was blocking the sun, the kids wanted to outside all the time, in the dead of winter, at night. Snot, running down faces and the slide. I had enough.

It had to be done. One day, while the kids were at school I did the unthinkable! I tracked the complex gardener and begged him to come and remove it and throw it away! He asked if he could keep it for his kids, the only down side is that it would be a few months before he can organize some sort of transportation to his home. I agreed on one condition, he stash it somewhere where the kids can’t see it, ever! He agreed.

He placed it in the “gardening area” that the complex has. It’s basically a cordoned off space where we keep our garden refuse barrels and other miscellaneous crap.

The kids came home and Lil Jams instantly noticed it was gone. I told him we had to throw it away because I broke it.

Lil Jams: Why did you break it?
Me: Because I tried to slide down it and it’s not made for adults.
Lil Jams: Why did you try slide down it?
Me: Uhm, probably because I was trying to be silly?
Lil Jams: Why were you trying to be silly?

This kid was not buying it. But I persisted and he relented… eventually.

This morning as we were driving out the complex to go to school, I stopped, waiting for the gate to open. The Garden-Crap-Shack was on his side of the car and the gate was open. He saw it… He saw the freaking slide! If he wasn’t strapped in he would have leaped through the glass.

Lil Jams: The slide! Mommy! The slide! It’s fixed!
Me: (totally flustered!) No it’s not!
Lil Jams: There it is! It’s not broken!
Me: No no, it’s still very broken it just LOOKS like it’s not broken. (Seriously, I think the gate couldn’t open slow enough)

After dropping them off, he still didn’t buy it. Crap.

Tantrums. They’ve started. I mean, DJ C has always been teetering on the brink of the “BAD FREAKING TANTRUM” stage but he’s remained, for the most part, super chilled. When he was 18 months, we held our breath and just as we were sighing a… well… sigh of relief, they have started and then some. I understand that he only has a tantrum because he is frustrated that he cannot communicate his wants and needs, on top of not understanding why he is not allowed to play with a set of steak knives. Just because I understand, doesn’t make them any easier to handle.

With Lil’ Jams I read every mom blog, tips article, expert opinion but nothing helped. The worst part is when you realize you’re having a bigger tantrum than they are, because they’re having a tantrum. Welcome to parenthood. Never thought you’d stamp your feet, swallow back tears and repeat “no!” 389 times did you?

Here are 5 ways I survive outrageous toddler tantrums:

1. Swearing. Yes, this one comes in handy for almost all my survival tips. Swearing silently to yourself will help you tread lightly through the mine field that is a toddler tantrum. If you haven’t whispered “For Fuck Sakes!” silently to yourself while you’re doing something for your kid, are you even a parent?

2. The Time Out. This one only works sometimes. This survival tip may, in fact, make things a whole lot worse! Good luck figuring out which.

3. Threats. This one is useless to kids younger than 3, but it makes you feel better. DJ C (20 Months, aka almost 2 for those non-parents) does not understand “If you don’t stop crying I’m going to throw away your toy”, also, actually pry said toy from the clutches of his surprisingly strong fingers also sometimes makes things worse. This survival tip comes with a Con… you HAVE to follow through. Kids are smarter than we think. They realize we use hollow threats and so they continue being small douche bags. Many a night I’ve had to dig through the bin hauling out toys I threatened to throw away. I then wash and hide them. I’m such a sucker.

4. The Hop-Over-And-Ignore. This one I use quite often. Depending on the time of day. It’s understandable that I can’t just ignore a screaming kid at 2AM. We live in a complex… but 2PM, I simply step over a writhing DJ C on the floor and think to myself, “I wonder if I could sew some micro fibre onto his shirt so he can clean the floor while he has his melt-down.”

5. Run and Hide. I am fortunate enough to be able to use this survival tip. All the credit for this one goes out to Grandmaster D. When I see the beginning stages of a tantrum I suddenly have very important things to do on the other side of the house. The trick is to do something loud because the mere sound of a tantrum can give you heart palpitations and heart burn. TIP: put some sneakers in the tumble dryer, this helps drown out the sound of a tantrum-ing toddler.

 

Ah well. Kids! Am I right?

Since this blog is about how I survive parenthood I thought it only fitting that my second post is about exactly that!

Here are the 5 ways that I survive parenthood:

1. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. A cliché I know but anyone that knows me knows that I run on caffeine. I don’t drink (it’s not an ‘I used to be an addict thing’. It’s more an ‘i-sweat-like-a-pig-and-don’t-know-when-to-to-stop-drinking’ thing.).

2. My awesome husband, Grandmaster D. I seriously take my hat off to all those parents doing this alone! How do not lose your mind? Grandmaster D helps reign the Spawn in. He baths them and listens to my endless ranting. Props to the single parents and kudos to Grandmaster D!

3. Swearing. Yes, I swear. Yes, I often let a few slip in front of the kids. As if the normal mom guilt isn’t bad enough, Lil’ Jams feels the need to recite the 10 Commandments to me every time I do. NOTE: He knows only a handful of the Commandments because every second one is ‘Don’t swear!’ when he recites them. Should I feel extra guilty about that?

4. Friends. My friends are awesome! Whether they have kids or not, they’re totes cool. I can send them a rant or a WTF message and the conversation will always end in laughs. We may not be able to hang out as often as possible but I love all of you (because I know you’re reading this, because I made you subscribe. Thanks again for that! :))!

5. Internet. Seriously. Where would we all be if there was no internet? The internet has helped me realize that I’m not the only Mom that constantly feels like I’m letting my kids down. There is also the other side of the coin. The organic-only-free-range-veg-smoothie-no-sugar-no-caffeine-no-soft-drink-no-tv mom that make me feel like a slightly bigger failure with their home grown veggies and home-made snacks and impeccable routines. I am definitely not THAT mom. Do I strive to be? Also no.

There are so many smaller things that help me survive. Laughter and love from ALL my boys (Grandmaster D, Lil Jams & DJ C)! Even the dogs, although I did chop their nuts off… **

**Before you hate, Stalin and Lenin were “Sterilized” by a reputable veterinarian. Here they are, happy and content… they’re smiling on the inside.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I’ve finally done it! Many people always say that I should blog. I always say “I know I should!” but never really go further than that. I sometimes have a brain fart and tap out a word document and then it just sits there in my folder.

Thanks to my amazing husband, who has pushed me into actually DOING it, for setting everything up for me so I can just post and go mad.

My blog, I hope, isn’t another ‘mommy’ blog to tell you what you’re doing right or what you’re doing wrong! This is merely a blog about me, and my loved ones, surviving parenthood. My posts will more than likely be some form of birth control with the amount of complaining I do, but please know that I love my kids more than anything else! If I don’t bitch about it I don’t love it. I’ve always been that way.

I could never see myself being a Mom, never mind a mother to two beautiful boys that are similar in so many ways, yet slight differences that make each of them unique.

This is my journey. Sometimes rocky, sometimes shitty but always filled with love.