To all the non-parents out there, here are a few things you’re going to tell yourself now or when you find yourself already pregnant. You won’t be like “other mom’s”. You’re going to basically lie to yourself. I’m not trying to be harsh, merely honest.
Below are some lies I told myself when I was pregnant with Lil’ Jams. These have been hilariously funny between my friends and me, especially since, thanks to Facebook’s ‘On This Day’ feature, I’m reminded of some of them yearly!
1. My child won’t have tantrums in public. Hahahahahaha! Let all the parents take a moment to laugh this one off. You would like to believe that you won’t allow it but the reality is that, kids do whatever the freak they want to, where they want to, when they want to. If they’re going to, quite literally, lay on the floor having a tantrum because they want something they can’t have, just let it happen. Walk away, ignore or scoop them up and shove ‘em in the trolley and carry on regardless. Talking them through it is not going to work. They are too far gone. They’re in the thick of it. Talking through your teeth (which you’ll try first no matter if you know it won’t work), threats and bribes won’t work as they will be so loud they cannot hear you. You’ll just start to sweat, look around and as people give you THE eye half laugh with a ‘ha. Kids. Am I right?’ or a ‘who left their screaming kid in aisle 4?’
2. My child will always sleep in their own room. Here’s a nugget of truth no one tells you, or you don’t think about, but no kid is the same. 90% of my friends’ kids slept through the night from 4/6 months old. Neither of mine did. Lil Jams’ slept, through the entire night, for the first time 1 week before DJ C was born. DJ C still does not sleep through the night and he is nearly 2. So, for the sake of my own sanity, my marriage and people I have to deal with daily, I sleep with the kids’ room or a kid sleeps in our bed. This is literally for sleeps sake. I want it. This is how I get it. If you would like to judge or say something or give me some helpful ‘tip’, feel free to stay at my house for a month and you can deal with him and/or them at 2AM. Let’s see if your tricks and witchcraft works. Because mine clearly doesn’t.
3. My child will only eat healthy food and learn to love vegetables as I do. This is, again, not every parent’s experience. This is my experience; however I know I’m not alone. When Lil’ Jams was small, I made, with my own two hands, puree’s from various fruits and vegetables. He loved them! Spinach, butternut, carrot, peas. All of them, except sweet potato. He is now 4 and the only time he eats a veggie is at school. I suspect because all the other kids eat it. He TELLS me that he LOVES carrots but they HAVE to be the round crinkle cut ones. He lies. He TELLS me that he LOVES pumpkin but it has to be like mashed potato. He lies. He at least loves apples and bananas but that’s as far as his fruit loving fancy goes. DJ C isn’t a fan of veggies but loves apples and bananas too. He is also not a fan of anything that’s too sweet. But, if your kid is like mine, you will find yourself making Future Life (the chocolate one) for them for dinner, grateful that it’s filled with so many proteins and vitamins and minerals (and sugar… what can you do?). You convince yourself that it’s okay that it’s ‘chocolate’ because at least they’re eating SOMETHING. Lil’s Jams is now old enough to understand that if he doesn’t eat what is given to him, he gets nothing else. But I still naively worry about DJ C.
4. My life won’t stop because I have kids. LOL! Ok, my life hasn’t ‘stopped’ but we don’t go out for dinner as much. We don’t go to the movies at night. In actual fact, we rarely leave the house after 5PM. If one of the kids merely yawns or rubs their eyes, I’m ready to go home STAT! The worst thing in the world is when they fall asleep in the car, on the way home. Why you may ask? Because they’re not sleeping… they’re recharging. They WILL wake up when you try and move them to the house and to their bed. If they wake up now they WILL NOT sleep… ever… again… for that day. Sleep begets sleep. But power naps do not work that way!
5. I will be crafty and do all these cool arts and crafts project WITH my kids because I’m so cool. Another one that doesn’t refer to all parents, but if you’re like me, you have zero patience. You like to lie to yourself and believe that you’ll be different with your kids and are super patient but you’re wrong. You will start off strong but end up with glue, finger paint and craft herpes (aka glitter) everywhere while crying and cleaning. I often ‘bake’ with Lil’s Jams but it’s more that he ‘helps’ me put all the ingredients into the bowl but when the mixing starts he’s gone, only to return in time to lick the bowl. This works for us. For now. But I once bought a hand puppet kit. You basically make your own hand puppets from really poor quality socks that are supplied. This ended tragically. I’m serious. I think I burned the box with all the contents in them. He was screaming, I was screaming, the neighbours were dialing the police (I suspect). There were tears. So many, many tears!
There are a few things I got right. A few wins. But at the end of the day, kids are super unpredictable. There is no way you can guarantee what they’ll do, how they’ll act or what their temperament will be. You just gotta roll with it. They grow, you grow.
