Tantrums. They’ve started. I mean, DJ C has always been teetering on the brink of the “BAD FREAKING TANTRUM” stage but he’s remained, for the most part, super chilled. When he was 18 months, we held our breath and just as we were sighing a… well… sigh of relief, they have started and then some. I understand that he only has a tantrum because he is frustrated that he cannot communicate his wants and needs, on top of not understanding why he is not allowed to play with a set of steak knives. Just because I understand, doesn’t make them any easier to handle.

With Lil’ Jams I read every mom blog, tips article, expert opinion but nothing helped. The worst part is when you realize you’re having a bigger tantrum than they are, because they’re having a tantrum. Welcome to parenthood. Never thought you’d stamp your feet, swallow back tears and repeat “no!” 389 times did you?

Here are 5 ways I survive outrageous toddler tantrums:

1. Swearing. Yes, this one comes in handy for almost all my survival tips. Swearing silently to yourself will help you tread lightly through the mine field that is a toddler tantrum. If you haven’t whispered “For Fuck Sakes!” silently to yourself while you’re doing something for your kid, are you even a parent?

2. The Time Out. This one only works sometimes. This survival tip may, in fact, make things a whole lot worse! Good luck figuring out which.

3. Threats. This one is useless to kids younger than 3, but it makes you feel better. DJ C (20 Months, aka almost 2 for those non-parents) does not understand “If you don’t stop crying I’m going to throw away your toy”, also, actually pry said toy from the clutches of his surprisingly strong fingers also sometimes makes things worse. This survival tip comes with a Con… you HAVE to follow through. Kids are smarter than we think. They realize we use hollow threats and so they continue being small douche bags. Many a night I’ve had to dig through the bin hauling out toys I threatened to throw away. I then wash and hide them. I’m such a sucker.

4. The Hop-Over-And-Ignore. This one I use quite often. Depending on the time of day. It’s understandable that I can’t just ignore a screaming kid at 2AM. We live in a complex… but 2PM, I simply step over a writhing DJ C on the floor and think to myself, “I wonder if I could sew some micro fibre onto his shirt so he can clean the floor while he has his melt-down.”

5. Run and Hide. I am fortunate enough to be able to use this survival tip. All the credit for this one goes out to Grandmaster D. When I see the beginning stages of a tantrum I suddenly have very important things to do on the other side of the house. The trick is to do something loud because the mere sound of a tantrum can give you heart palpitations and heart burn. TIP: put some sneakers in the tumble dryer, this helps drown out the sound of a tantrum-ing toddler.

 

Ah well. Kids! Am I right?